Ali-Lyn
by Cassie Jamie
Summary: Two monthes after Anakin's death, Ali-Lyn's slipping into depression.
1. Ali-Lyn

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters; I'm not using this for money, yatsa, yatsa, and yatsa.

Claimer:

I do however own the characters of Padme Amidala Skywalker (I don't own the names, just the character), Gaeity Solo, Tanner-Jules Solo, Jennelle Solo, and Carime Liepti. (I know I'm not that inventive.)

New Characters:

Padme Amidala Skywalker (Ali-Lyn)–the only surviving child of Luke Skywalker. She's 17 yrs old.

Gaeity Solo – the eldest child of Han Solo and Princess Leia Solo. She's 15 yrs old.

Tanner-Jules Solo – Gaeity's twin brother. He's 15 yrs old, too (duh!).

Jennelle Solo – Han & Leia's youngest child.She's 2 yrs old.

Master Carime Liepti – Padme (Ali-Lyn)'s master/teacher.

Etc:

This takes place about two monthes after the ending of ST: BA.In case anyone's wondering – Ali-Lyn's evaluation never took place at Ali-Lyn's request.

***

# Ali-Lyn

Part One

***

# The training yard of the Jedi Temple

Ali-Lyn Skywalker advanced against her master with her lightsabre.The pink sabre collided with Master Carime Liepti's yellow, and the padawan's was knock from her hands.

"You must pay attention, Ali-Lyn." Carime reprimanded.

Ali-Lyn looked at Carime, "Yes, Master."

Carime felt the tiredness in Ali-Lyn, then retrived the youth's lightsabre, "Return to our quarters'.I'll be along shortly."

Ali-Lyn graciously took her weapon, and walked toward the Temple.She was tired from the day and something she couldn't figure out.She looked behind her shoulder to see Carime talking to someone via the training yard computer screen.Ali-Lyn quickly identified the person as her father._'What did I do?'_ Ali-Lyn sent to Carime.

_'I thought I said to return to our quarters'.'_ Carime sent back.

Ali-Lyn sighed then resumed her walking.She was in trouble.She hated being in trouble – that meant punishment.

Carime watched Ali-Lyn from down the hall.After a moment, Carime turned her attention back to the screen.Luke's serious face looked back at her.

"If she looks worse tomorrow, take her to one of the healers.Gaeity had the same symtoms according to Leia, but Gaeity was making herself sick because she was worried about something.Hopefully, Ali-Lyn's justed worried over the results of her Republic History test." Luke said.

Carime sighed, "Hopefully.Good night, Master."

"Good night, Master Liepti." Luke replied, shutting off his screen.

# Liepti/Skywalker residence

Ali-Lyn had already showered and changed into her nightclothes when Carime had entered the residence, which was on the other end of the temple from the training yard.

The teenage girl had put out the dinner, which was quickly becoming cold.However, Ali-Lyn had seated herself on the small couch and was writing in the soft leather bound notebook her mother had given her shortly before Padme Elo-Aura's death.Ali-Lyn had kept a record of everything she'd done that had signifigantic in that notebook – which was the one thing Carime was not allowed to touch.

Carime took in the sight, and then motioned for Ali-Lyn to join her at the table.

"No thank you, Master.I'm not hungry." Ali-Lyn said, returning her attention to her notebook.

Ali-Lyn never had a ravenous appetite, but she always ate something to keep Carime happy."Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes, Master.I'm just too tired to be hungry."

Carime made a mental note to meditate an extra hour before bed.

# After dinner

Liepti/Skywalker residence

Carime watched her padawan for a moment before standing up, and walking into the room to sit next to Ali-Lyn.

Ali-Lyn looked at Carime, "Sorry.I'll get the plates."Ali-Lyn stood up and began to walk to the table.

"Padawan." Carime said.Ali-Lyn returned to the couch and sat down.The elder Jedi continued, "Is there a reason you aren't hungry?You already said because you were tired, but I doubt that Ali-Lyn."

Ali-Lyn watched her master, and then carefully anwsered Carime, "I'm too tired and I haven't been sleeping very well."

Carime shook her head, "Okay.We'll go see one of the healers tomorrow afternoon."

Ali-Lyn looked at Carime with a shocked expression on her face, "I'm okay, Carime."

"I want a medical opinion on that, Ali-Lyn." Carime said.

Ali-Lyn grumbled, "I can't go anyway.I have classes until late."

"I can call your procters and tell them you won't be in class."

Ali-Lyn realized that Carime wouldn't give this up, and gave in, "Fine."

Carime sensed the anger and annoyance in her padawan.Ali-Lyn was never one for classes, but she usually never begged to go to them.

"May I go to bed now, Master?" Ali-Lyn asked, thinking Carime was probably going to make her meditate.

"Yes, Padawan." Carime said.There was no way Ali-Lyn would be able to concentrate.

Ali-Lyn made her way to her room, laid down under her blanket, and shut her eyes.She hoped she would be able to sleep tonight, but doubted that.

1:16 in the morning

_'You are the reason Mom's dead.' Anakin said to Ali-Lyn._

_'No.It was an accident.I didn't mean for Mama to die!' Ali-Lyn cried._

_'Ali-Lyn.' their mother's voice came out of her brother's mouth. 'Ali-Lyn.'All of a sudden, Anakin's skin melted away in a sea of orangey-red flames.Her mother's body stood there, beckoning Ali-Lyn to come to her. 'My baby girl, How I've missed you.'_

_Ali-Lyn ran to her mother, but tripped on something – A computer game.The one that T.J. had brought to the house the day her mother had been killed.The teen looked up – a mirror was in front of her.Ali-Lyn looked all of twelve years old._

Ali-Lyn shot up in bed.Sweat dripped of her face.Ali-Lyn rubbed her eyes and wiped her face on her sheets.She looked at the computer clock.1:20 am.Ali-Lyn sighed, and swung her legs over the side of the bed.She stood up, and walked to her closet.She pulled out a pair of nightclothes that could pass for regular day clothes on Aldaaran, and dressed.

Ali-Lyn quietly tiptoed out of her room and into the living space.She peeked into Carime's room to make sure her master was asleep, then walked to the door quietly.She unlocked the door, opened it, and entered the hall.After the door shut, Ali-Lyn walked down the hall at her usual pace, headed toward the Jedi Spire.

Ali-Lyn watched her feet intently, knowing if she didn't, she'd probably trip on something because the hall lights were dim.She walked the ten minutes to the spire; hopeing Carime wouldn't reprimand her too badly for being up way past curfew.Without realizing it, Ali-Lyn had walked to the balcony door and she keyed in her entry code.The door opened with familiar whoos.She stepped onto balcony and looked around.No one else was there.

She walked to the edge, and looked over the banister.The city was bathed in the glow of the lights.Ali-Lyn sighed, and sat down on the floor.She watched the sky until she heard someone open the door and she jumped to find a place to hide, but Gaeity was who came through the doorway.Ali-Lyn relaxed and sat back in her spot.

"Can't sleep?" Gaeity asked, sitting down next to her cousin.

"Nope.Can you?"

"No." Gaeity put her head on Ali-Lyn's shoulder, "If anyone finds us up here, we're in major trouble."

Ali-Lyn shook her head, "I'll tell them it was my idea.I'm older, afterall, and Papa says I'm supposed to set an example."

"You already do.More then is needed.You should hear the way the younger children talk of you." Gaeity said, "You know Kestare-Rosset?The little girl who acts like a puesdo-mom to Jennelle?"

"Very well."

"Well, all she and her age-group talk about is you and Anakin and Naboo and everything pertaining to you.I'm amazed you haven't heard her."

Ali-Lyn smiled, "I'm not around her the way I'm around you, T.J., and Jennelle.You three are supposed to tell me everything, remember?"

Gaeity looked at her cousin, "Paddy," Gaeity turned back to Ali-Lyn's childhood nickname, "Why do you look so sad?"

Ali-Lyn watched her cousin for a moment, "I'm okay.I'm just tired and my training has seemed to just drag on lately."

"Oh.If you're tired, why are you up here?" The fifteen year old asked.

"I'm tired, but I'm not tired.It's hard to explain." Ali-Lyn anwsered.

Gaeity nodded, "I'm going back to bed."

"Good night, Gaeity.I'll see you in the morning." Ali-Lyn said, smiling.

"Night." Gaeity said, before opening the door and exiting the balcony.

Ali-Lyn sighed, pulled her knees to her chest, and rested her arms on her knees.She rested her chin in her hands and watched the sky.

5:32 am

Carime was sitting on the couch when Ali-Lyn walked into their residence.Ali-Lyn knew she was in trouble, and didn't even try to come up with an excuse – that would have only made her punishment worse.

"I thought my instructions were for you to go to bed and this afternoon we would go see a healer." Carime said, disappointment in her voice.

Ali-Lyn collected her courage and spoke, "I couldn't sleep, Master.I went up to the balcony."

"Padawan," Carime began, "You had another nightmare, and don't deny it.I felt your fear, and it hung in the air for a long time.What are you afraid of Ali-Lyn?What made you so scared, you had to retreat to your place?"

Ali-Lyn sat down on the couch.Carime watched the teen as words began to escape from Ali-Lyn's lips, "Anakin.It was a new nightmare about Anakin." Carime shook her head – Ali-Lyn had had nightmares about her brother since she was thirteen years old, but Carime wasn't expecting with Ali-Lyn said next, "And it was a nightmare my mother."

Carime was shocked – Ali-Lyn never dreamed about her mother.Ali-Lyn dreamed a lot in her sleep, but it was never including her mother."Why your mother, Ali-Lyn?"

"I don't know.It started like usual – Anakin was blaming me for Mama's death.I tried to defend myself, and then Anakin started to melt in a fire.After Anak's skin burned away, mama's body was there.She told me to come to her, and so I ran.I tripped on video game, and came face-to-face with a mirror.I looked twelve years old.That's when I woke up." Ali-Lyn finished – that had taken more energy out of her.Ali-Lyn leaned against her master.

Carime drew in a deep breath.Ali-Lyn's nightmares were usually started with Anakin blaming her about Padme Elo-aura, then the two would duel, and at the point where one of them would have died – Ali-Lyn wakes up.This was something different – and Carime could feel how much that nightmare still scared the teen."Padawan," Carime said, putting her hand on Ali-Lyn's hair – a way of telling the youth she was safe, "I would never let anyone hurt you.I would never hurt you.However, You are hurting yourself with this one nightmare.What happened with your mother – yes it was cruel and destroying, but you and your father lived through it.You both found hope.And I know being the one who fatally injured Anakin has to have seemed the cruelest thing in the world, but you saved him from the dark.You don't have to be doubtful of yourself and your skills – you will be a great Knight."

Ali-Lyn sighed – She was still, no matter what, doubtful of her future.She wanted to be a Knight more then anything, but she feared that she would fail her missions - she doubted her skills.

"You have beautiful skills, Ali-Lyn.I've never seen someone wield a lightsabre the way you do.You have the ability and the courage and everything else needed to be a Knight, but you lack the self-confidence required."

Ali-Lyn watched her master – this was leading to that lecture she'd been avoiding for a month and a half.

8:58 am

Ali-Lyn sat in her room desperatly trying to meditate, but she was bored and tired.In her own room, Carime sensed her padawan's boredom.The teenager had always had a level of doubt about her skills, but it had never affected her the way it was now.Carime stood up as the computer signified that their one and a half hours of meditation were up.Ali-Lyn stood up happily, and walked into the living space.She looked at the food on the table and dissmissed that it was even there.She wasn't hungry, but her head reminded her that Kim (Or Kimmie, as Ali-Lyn called him), Ali-Lyn's favorite healer, had told her that she had to eat whether she was hungry or not.Carime had thought Ali-Lyn's metabolism had slowed down in the last year – Ali-Lyn hadn't lost weight as rapidly as before – but it had remained the same.Only now, Ali-Lyn would vomit if she didn't eat within thirty-six hours.

Ali-Lyn watched the food for a second, and picked up one of the citrus fruits.She loved the taste of this fruit imparticular.It tasted like an orange, but it had the texture of vanilla frosting.Ali-Lyn began to peel the fruit, with little enthusaism.

Carime watched her padawan from her room.Ali-Lyn was seventeen years old, and knew to take care of herself, but she looked unhappy.Carime knew what was troubling Ali-Lyn now, but Ali-Lyn was still tired and her appetite was non-existant.Carime sighed, what was she supposed to do?Only Ali-Lyn needed faith in her abilities – everyone else already had faith in them.After the fight with Anakin, everyone had faith in her.Ali-Lyn even had faith in herself – in the last month, she had smiled and laughed more then ever before.Carime begin to think to herself.Kim had said that Ali-Lyn was a remarkable young woman – heathy in every way, but one - her chemical balances were slightly off.Kim had told Carime to expect some more chemical imbalances as Ali-Lyn grew and her body changed – but if anything relating to depression came along, call him.Even if she remotely suspected Ali-Lyn had depression, call him.

Carime sighed, and got up.She walked to the computer screen and dialed up Kim's office.A moment later, Kim's round human face was staring up at her politely.

"Good Morning, Carime." He said.Carime was his best friend, since they were children – and being trained in secret.He knew something was up by the look on her face."Are you okay, Carime?You look kinda pale."

Carime shook her head, "It's Ali-Lyn."

"What's the matter with her?" He asked, his usual calm voice soothing Carime.

"She's acting bizare.She's tired, but she can't sleep.She has lost her self-confidence, and she has no appetite."

Kim looked at Carime, "She's got it.The early stages - before she starts to think everyone hates her.Her class reports haven't gotten poor, have they?"

"A little bit."

"I want to see her - ASAP." He said, "I'll see you in twenty minutes – that should be suffisicant for the fight she's going to have with you over this."

"Thanks, Kim." Carime said, shutting off her screen.This wasn't going to be good.

Carime stepped into the living space, and looked at Ali-Lyn.She was once again writing in her notebook.She was sitting on the couch, scribbling away, and didn't even realize Carime had walked into the room.

"Padawan."

Ali-Lyn put her book down, "Yes, master?"

"Kim wants to see you in twenty minutes.Get dressed." Carime told Ali-Lyn.

Ali-Lyn looked at her master, "I'm fine, Carime."

"Now, Ali-Lyn."

"No.I'm not going."

Carime was stunned – Ali-Lyn had never said no to her."Yes.If I have to call your uncle and your father down here to drag you there, you're going."

"I said no." Ali-Lyn said, looking Carime in the eyes.The elder woman was stunned – this was outright defiance.

"And I said yes, Padme Amidala Skywalker." Carime replied.

"I hate you." Ali-Lyn said, standing up and going into her room.

Carime was stunned – Ali-Lyn had never defied her.Never.This was something Carime wasn't ready for.

# Jedi Council

3:06 pm

Ali-Lyn watched Kim and Carime report on her condition from across the room.Her anger filled the air around her, and the members of the council nearest her edged away slightly.Her pain was penatrating them, and it hurt.

"This depression", Kim said, "was caused by stress, a chemical imbalance, and fatigue.My recommendation is that for the next week, Ali-Lyn's training be suspended and any mission that she and Carime would have done, be given to someone else." Kim paused, and then continued, "In one week's time, I will see if the medication has had any effect.If it has made some improvement in her attitude and her health, then she can return to training and missions with my consent."

Luke watched his miserable daughter.Ali-Lyn was seventeen years old, and she was the image of her mother, but she was unhappy and scared.He looked back at Kim, "What if it doesn't help?"

"Then I'll try a different medication and another week off."

"And if that doesn't help?"

"I'll only try this treatment twice, Master Skywalker.After that she'll have two days to clean the medicine out of her system, and Ali-Lyn will have to be entered into the medical building."

Luke processed this information.First week, first medicine --- if that doesn't work - second week, second medicine --- and if that doesn't work - two days and entry into the medical building.He sighed, "Okay, Kim.If that's what will work."

Kim nodded his head, bowed, and walked away.

Carime looked at the others, "I'm sorry for not realizing this was the source of her tiredness and weak show of her skills.I will make sure that she returns to her normal self."

Luke smiled, "There is no need to apologize, Master Liepti."

Carime bowed and walked over to Ali-Lyn.Carime guided Ali-Lyn out into the hall.

"So…" Ali-Lyn said, veering toward the door to the balcony.

Carime put Ali-Lyn back on the path to their residence, "You can't go up there alone, Ali-Lyn.I forbade it.Not until this treatment is over and you are back to normal."

Ali-Lyn stopped at looked at Carime, "What am I?A prisoner?I can't go on the balcony, I have to walk in front of you…"

Carime cut her off, "No.What you are is a seventeen-year old padawan learner, who needs extra protection and treatment for a medical condition that was caused by a few things that she could not control." Carime said, opening the door to their quarters'.She watched Ali-Lyn plop down on the couch, take out her notebook, and begin writing.

---

P.S. I have had clinical depression before.I know what it seemed like to me, so this story is based on what I felt happened during that time.If anyone doesn't agree with my stand on this, I'm very sorry.

End of part one.

Cassie Jamie

[NoahXfiles@aol.com][1]

   [1]: mailto:NoahXfiles@aol.com



	2. Ali-Lyn - Part 2

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters; I'm not using this for money, yatsa, yatsa, and yatsa.

Claimer:

I do however own the characters of Padme Amidala Skywalker (I don't own the names, just the character), Gaeity Solo, Tanner-Jules Solo, Jennelle Solo, and Carime Liepti. (I know I'm not that inventive.)

New Characters:

Padme Amidala Skywalker (Ali-Lyn)–the only surviving child of Luke Skywalker. She's 17 yrs old.

Gaeity Solo – the eldest child of Han Solo and Princess Leia Solo. She's 15 yrs old.

Tanner-Jules Solo – Gaeity's twin brother. He's 15 yrs old, too (duh!).

Jennelle Solo – Han & Leia's youngest child.She's 2 yrs old.

Master Carime Liepti – Padme (Ali-Lyn)'s master/teacher.

Etc:

This takes place about two monthes after the ending of ST: BA.In case anyone's wondering – Ali-Lyn's evaluation never took place at Ali-Lyn's request.

***

# Ali-Lyn

Part Two

***

Carime watched me from the couch.I ignored her and continued looking at the food in front of me like it would turn into a Kl'ant wolf at any moment.

"It's not going to kill you, Padawan." Carime said to me.

I glared at my master.Carime had to be enjoying this._'She's deriving pleasure from this.'_

"I'm not enjoying this, Ali-Lyn.You are suffering.I do not take pleasure in that." Carime said, walking to the table and sitting across from me.

"You seem to be." I retorted.

"Eat something, Ali-Lyn.You need to eat." Carime said, sternly.

I looked at my plate, picked up a piece of the meat, and bit it.I chewed, shallowed, and looked at Carime, "Happy?"

Carime sighed.

_'She's probably disappointed with my behavior.'_

"Ali-Lyn, my padawan, you are the first padawan learner I've ever had.I love you as though you were my child.I take no happiness, no pleasure from your pain." She stopped, then began again, "I promised your mother that I would take care of you if anything happened to her." Carime was searching for words, "Your mother was my best friend when I was young, next to Kim.When the empire fell and we were free to truly become knights, your mother fell hopelessly in love with your father.She waited ten years for him.They married, and you and Anakin were their next loves.When you were two, your mother had a vision of her demise.She asked me to protect you, raise you.I will keep that promise – whether you like it or not."

I looked at Carime, "Was there a point to that story?"

Carime sighed again.She reached up and grabbed a bottle from the shelf.She opened it, took out a small round pill, and handed it to me."Take that.And you'd better swallow."

I glared at my master again and then swallowed the pill."I'm going to bed." I said, tired of seeing the elder woman.

As I stood up, Carime began to talk again.

"You can sleep in my room tonight, Paddy." She said, using the nickname from my childhood.

I shook my head.Carime already had to put up with me – I didn't want to make her have to pretend to like me.I especially wasn't going to make her have to pretend to want to protect me or comfort me.I maybe a worthless brat with Jedi skills, but I wasn't going to make anyone at the Temple have to cater to me.I continued walking toward my room.

"You misheard me, Padme Amidala.You have to sleep where I can see you.Kim wants me to watch you closely and that means my room or your's.Take your pick."

My anger rose, but I forced it to stay at bay.I went into my room, changed, grabbed my blanket and pillow, and went back into the living space.Carime was sitting on the couch when I walked out.

She smiled at me, mockingly."Go lay down, Padawan." Carime said, and I obeyed – I wasn't going to be a problem.

I went into Carime's room and laid down on the bed.After putting my head on my pillow and cacooning myself in my blanket, I listened to the sounds of Carime washing the dishes.The clacking of the metal plates in the sink reminded me of my mother.She always purposely made that sound.I had always begged her to not do it because of the noise, but she would just do it more.Now I cried as I heard the sound again.I missed my mother so much it hurt.I tugged the blanket around my neck and buried my face in the pillow.

When Carime came in the room to get her nightclothes from her closet, I willed myself to be quiet.I could feel her displeasure as she walked out of the room and into her adjoining bathroom.As soon as I heard the door shut, I let the tears flow again.Carime hated me.Papa hadn't talked to me all day – not one word.Aunt Leia and Uncle Han had come to see me with my cousins, but they seemed so uncomfortable that I begged Carime to let them leave.I hadn't even cared that Gaeity had heard my babblings about the dark side.It didn't matter anymore.I would never become a Jedi Knight or a Master.I was too stubborn and stupid to be anything in the order of the Jedi. I was nothing.

The door opened making me aware that Carime was about to come back in the room, and I willed myself to be quiet again.Carime laid down next to me, and wrapped her self in her own blanket.She put her arm around me the way mama had when I was very little.I suddenly started to remember calling Carime Auntie when I was younger, but I shut it out.I was nothing.I didn't deserve Carime.I didn't.

I shut my eyes, wanting slumber to take over my body.But sleep never came – instead I cried all night.

# The next morning

I watched Carime make breakfast.I was too tired and my red eyes hurt from the tears that I had cried.Carime had tried comforting me at different times during the night, but to no avail.

She was too nice to me.She truly deserved a better padawan – which wasn't me.No one deserved me as his or her padawan.I was useless and boring.I had the most disgustingly pale skin color and my lips were too big and too pink.My nose was ten sizes too big.My hair was too dark for my skin and my eyes were not level with the other.My hands and feet were too small for a Jedi.I was overweight, and I hated myself for every one of my inpurities.I was the ugliest, most annoying person on Coruscant. 

"Ali-Lyn." Carime called from the table.She had put a couple pieces of fruit on the plate, along with my pill, and a cup of Lige juice.

I got up from the couch and went to sit in my seat.Carime waited for me to begin eating, but I just nibbled at a strawberry.I rested my head on my head at I nibbled, so Carime wouldn't have to see me.

"Ali-Lyn, look at me." Carime said, but I refused."Paddy."

I looked up, fearfully, "Yes, master?"

"Why were you crying last night?" She asked.

I panicked, trying to think of a way to explain it, "I dunno." I mumbled.

"Paddy."

"I.Don't.Know.Do you need it to be spelled out?" I said, harshly.I thought Carime was going to hit me for my tone and remark, but she just looked at me.

"Oh, Ali." She said, simplily.

I took the stupid pill, returned to the couch, and grabbed my notebook from underneath it.The leather was soft and it always felt good to run my fingertips over it.Inside, there was entries dateing back to a year after mama's death.Four years were logged in it on the unlined, white pages.

I picked up my pencil and began to write.

Three days later

12:31 pm

The shops

The last three days had blurred by.I barely remembered laying in Carime's bed and crying at all hours of the night.I briefly remembered Kim, and pills. Today however, Carime had brought me to the shopping strip to try and lighten my mood, but after an hour of looking I was just even more tired.Carime had bought me more of my favorite fruit, probably hopeing I would eat something – I'd skipped eating all day, and she'd also bought me a new pair of nightclothes.

Right now though, I was being subjected to having to watch helplessly as Carime tried to make me smile with some toys from the younger children's section.Papa had made sure that was there when the Temple was renovated.Papa had changed some things around here – mostly that young children needed time to play and know an adult outside of a teacher their entire life.That's why padawans are sometimes as young as six or seven.

"Ali-Lyn."

I came out of my thoughts and looked at Carime.She held a stuffed kitten in her hands – much like the one I had before lightsabre training began when I was nine.Anakin had loved destoying my toy.

Carime watched me, as though I would run away if she didn't.She handed her credit to the cashier and handed me the toy.I grabbed for it and held it close to my body."Macy." I said to the toy, fresh tears soaking the fabric.

Carime put down the bag she had just picked up and hugged me.I just hugged her back.Whether she deserved me or not, I needed to be held.I needed to be held and comforted.I was too tired to object to my conscious or to Carime.

1:15 pm

Papa, T.J., and Gaeity had shown up at our quarters' at about one o' clock, and having just finished crying, I was too tired to argue about them being there.T.J. and Gaeity had gotten out of their classes that day because of me.I had made them worried.I felt like dying when Papa said that.I was responsible for them not learning anything today.

For the last ten minutes, Carime had been sitting behind my cousins playing a computer game – she was sometimes more of the child, then the adult.I was snuggled into Papa, with his arms wrapped around me.For a moment, I felt happy, warm, and safe.Just one moment.Inside, a piece of me begged for more time, and the other half screamed in rage.My mind and body was caught in the middle.

Papa leaned over to whisper to me, "Paddy."

I looked at him.

"I love you." He said, hugging me tighter.

I closed my eyes against the flood of memories.The memories scared me so much.It hurt to see Mama or Anak.It hurt badly.

Soon the memories wouldn't stop and I ran to my room.I couldn't stop the noise in my head.I needed to silence them – but I didn't know how.

5:00 am

I opened my red eyes and looked around.Papa and Carime were asleep on the floor or my room, not covered by a blanket or even pillows under their heads.Papa was on my left and Carime was on my right.I got up, careful not to step on them, and then grabbed my blanket off my bed.I went into the living space and sat down on the floor.Leaning against the wall on the far right, I pulled my notebook out from the space I'd hidden it the day before – under the end of the couch.I opened it to the first page.Papa had asked me to write in it, so my emotions wouldn't stay bottled up anymore – which had helped me connect with the Force.

**Papa told me to write in this, so I am.Here are some basic facts about me (just until I can think of something to write about in more detail):**

-**I am the older of twins.(Padme Amidala & Anakin Benjamin)**

-**We were born mid-year, three monthes early.**

-**We were born on the city-planet of Coruscant at a very early hour.**

-**Our Papa is Luke Skywalker, the son of Queen Amidala & Anakin Skywalker, and our Mama was Padme Elo-aura Skywalker, the daughter of Sashe (Gramma Ami's haidmaiden) & our grandpa – I never met him.**

-**Mama died a year ago tomorrow.**

-**Anak turned three years ago yesterday.**

**There's something to write about.Anakin is a member of the Dark Side.There was a new resistance formed by dark-siders and I assume some one asked him to join.I don't know who, though.I still miss him and am angry with Master Corellise for letting him go.Even Master Corellise had to know – Anak was never away from him.**

I slammed the book closed and threw it across the room and straight at Carime.It hit her arm and fell to the ground.I watched her tearfully.She picked it up and looked at the page it had opened up to.Yesterdays.

"I wish I were dead.I wish I could leave everyone, so they wouldn't have to bother with me and wouldn't have to act like they want me." Carime read aloud."Ali-Lyn, we aren't acting!We genuinely want you around.We enjoy your humor and your personality.We enjoy teaching you.We love you very much."

Luke walked into the room and watched the two.He shook his head at my thoughts – I knew he and Carime heard me, "Paddy."

I looked at him.

"We all love you and need you around." He said, as he sat on the couch.He motioned for me to sit next to him and I did so.

"No you don't.I'm a bad influence.Aunt Leia said so."

Luke laughed, "No, you aren't.She was saying that you are a bad influnce to the younger children, because you enjoy getting into trouble and that you've taught them effective ways to get out of trouble.But you've taught them how to have fun with each other and work together in the process.That's what she meant."

I let him have that one, "Gaeity said you said I was supposed to set an example."

"You do." Carime said.

Papa continued, "Listen to Carime.You have always set an example to the younger children during the times you weren't having fun with them.For example, Gaeity learned to talk whole sentences when she was eleven monthes old, because you wanted to prove she was smart."

"So?She is smart.She would've done it with or without my coaching."

"How about teaching T.J. to pilot the Falcon?"

"Uncle Han wouldn't teach him.He said the Falcon was too old to be piloted and it was out of date.Besides he asked to be teached." I said, feeling calmer then I had in days – Papa and his Jedi suggestions.

"Okay.What about Kim?When he first came to the Temple, he couldn't read or write, as I recall.And if anyone tried to teach him, he'd yell.But someone had the determination to teach him."

"Papa, what can a healer do when he can't read or write?He had to learn." I said, giggling.

_'You don't know how nice it is to hear that, Paddy.'_ Carime thought to me.

_'Tell Papa.He's the one with the Jedi suggestions.'_

_'Not me.Maybe it's the medication?'_ Papa thought.

"Maybe.Maybe someone sees how much we need her." Carime said, her voice filled witht the love I hadn't seemed to hear in the past week almost.

I smiled.It still hurt deep down, but I was calm and happy sitting with Papa and Carime.

Papa's blue eyes looked into mine, "Why were you so said, Paddy?Was it because you missed your mother or was it Anakin?What was it?"

I sighed, Papa wanted to know.How was I supposed to explain this?"It was a couple of things."

He just watched me.

I looked down, then got up to get my notebook from Carime.She handed it to me, and I opened it to a page.I don't remember when I wrote it, but it had a list of the bad things that happened in my life.I began to speak, "This is a list of the things that happened in my life that weren't very happy." I paused, then began to read off the list, "Mama died.Anak turned.Hayden died in my fight with someone.I killed Anakin.Corellise got away.I didn't watch Kal'sen fell out of the tree because I wasn't watching him."I stopped I couldn't read anymore.

Papa looked at me, lovingly, "Paddy, You weren't responsible for those things.Listen to me, okay?"

I nodded my head.I knew Papa was going to explain these things – and if he could, maybe I was wrong.

He took my notebook, had me sit next to him, and began to explain the first and second things, "Your mother's death was her fate.She knew it.Unless she or I could keep Anakin from turning, it was inevitible.She didn't tell me until our last day that she knew.Anakin turned and your mother was his first casuality." Luke paused, "Anakin was after you, Paddy.Your mother died because she wanted you to live."

"She wanted me to live." I repeated, as though I'd never heard those words before.

Papa went on, "Aunt Leia and Uncle Han have never blamed your for Hayden's death.He died because he was to young to understand to stay away from you and Anakin.He'd always remembered you two playing, I guess he thought he was finally big enough to play with you guys." He looked at my notebook, and then continued, "As for Anakin and Corellise – It was their choice to fight you and Carime.Anakin lost his life yes, but he's with your mother now.He's safe.And the next we meet up with Corellise…" Papa said, in his 'He's-gonna-pay' voice.

I giggled - I'd always loved that voice.I motioned for him to go on.I was watching each memory in my mind.Strange how things are distorted by hate and only become clear when someone reminds you of the truth.

"Ka'lsen fell out of the tree because he lost his grip and the branch he was standing on was to thin for him.Kal'sen's never blamed you for that one.You saved his life, as far as he's concerned.You kept him breathing, while you were waiting for the medics."

"Papa.Kal'sen lost the use of his left side." I said, sad about my young friend.Kal'sen was almost seven when he fell from the tree.He's twelve now, and still dreams of being a Jedi.The healers have great hope in something that would give him the use of his left leg back.

"Yes, but he's learned to go around his disability and he's got more of your determination then anyone else.Kal'sen will be a Jedi, even if he's got to wait a long time.You know, he's actually been making you something in art class.Not even Master Flit is allowed to see it."

I smiled.Papa smiled back.

"Do you believe us now when we say we love you and we need you?"

I shook my head.I was still sad, but I understood they loved me no matter what happened.I reached over to hug Papa, then I hugged Carime."So, what about the medicine?Do I still have to take it?"

Carime grinned, "Yes.Until I think that you don't need it anymore, you take it."

I moaned.I was going to be on this stuff until I was eighty years old.

---

The end.

I know it's kinda drawn out and stupid, but I was board.

I'm writing an AU of what if Ali-Lyn was more depressed than that and the medications didn't help.

Once again I'd like to say that I have had clinical depression before.I know what it seemed like to me, so this story is based on what I felt happened during that time.I just saw things in a whirlwind.Some days felt slower, but all I remember is distortions in memories and hateful things.This is what I've tried to show.If anyone doesn't agree with my stand on this, I'm very sorry.

Cassie Jamie

[NoahXfiles@aol.com][1]

PLEASE REVIEW!

   [1]: mailto:NoahXfiles@aol.com



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